gedankentanz

2008-10-04T13:28:00.001+02:00

please consider this when voting

2008-09-26T15:21:00.002+02:00

COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land-- boundary that we have with-- Canada. It-- it's funny that a comment like that was-- kind of made to-- cari-- I don't know, you know? Reporters--

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our-- our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia--

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We-- we do-- it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where-- where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is-- from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our state.

last night in hamburg. it was fucking great!

2008-09-15T15:48:00.000+02:00

saturday morning

2008-07-12T11:43:00.004+02:00

it was a good show. actually, it was quite a nice theatre we played in, so we did not have to make all too weird changes after all. since the lighting was so powerful and so close to us, we were all sweating like hell and missed the evening park breeze (just the scantily clad dancers liked it better, since for the first time, they were not cold). sir aguecheek nearly died of heat stroke, and my costume made me feel like taking a three hour long sauna. the fireworks in the last ensemble number were directly behind us, so the stage manager told us to please not miss our marks, or we would burn a little. good thing we were all soaked, it added to both fun and extra security. one more show tonight, and then off to berlin. drama school class reunion. I will miss the first part of it tonight, joining them tomorrow morning. I do hope they will remember their names when I get there at 9:30 with fresh bagels...

and later that day: off to france. no plans, just making merry on the 14th of july and then onward to brittany. sweet.

shakespeare in the...well... multipurpose hall

2008-07-11T13:58:00.004+02:00

the weather is so crap that they changed our location tonight. we are performing indoors, on a much smaller stage with approximately only 30% of our set. this is going to be fun. no, I mean it. there won't be any off-stage space, so everything will be all weird and exciting. I am glad my part is not all too serious, so all possible mistakes and mishaps will give reason to improvise and horse around. just as the great bob ross said: "we don't make mistakes, we call them happy accidents." yay.

ouch!

2008-07-07T01:42:00.002+02:00

so, today was the first preview. about one hour before my make up time I tried to buy some ice coffee downtown. it was very hot, the queue at the counter was mega long, and the barrista woman was so fucking slow that I decided to give up and leave coffeeless. next thing I know my head hurts like hell, my nose and teeth as well, and about fifty thousand customers are staring at me in widely amused disbelief. I had run high speed into a glass door and bumped my head good. I remember yelling: "yes, I bumped into the door. look at me, haha, it's all good", and then running away to hide from my shame. me and my bruises made it to the theatre in time, and my make up woman put concealer on my forehead. you want to look pretty when the show must go on. the whole show went well, but I do think I have a slight concussion. I have been nauseous all night and have a bad, bad headache. I don't really remember playing every scene, it is all a little blurry, but the audience seemed to enjoy it, so that's good. now I have 4 days off to recover. yay.

really, how stupid am I?

my day in ten facts

2008-07-06T01:03:00.002+02:00

my toe is blue.
documentaries about underemployed actors are very scary.
sleep is important.
dancing is actually fun.
sometimes people are sad and that's okay.
silence is underrated.
friends are most important.
trained dancers sweat less.
polyester must not be dyed.
life is good.

Déjà-vu

2008-07-01T23:57:00.002+02:00

it has been a year since we last did the shakespeare in the park. today, we started rehearsing for this summer's season, and it is so great to be back with the cast. they are lovely people and great fun to work with. I finally decided to dare the unbearable (i.e. seeing yourself perform on gritty video) and watch the dvd they sent to me to prepare before attending the rehearsals, and I laughed so hard. there are some choreographed parts in the show, and I knew I sucked at those, I just didn't know I sucked this much. it literally shows me screwing up front row, and it looks rerally dumb. I shall improve that. but much to my joy, the performance taped was the one where the guy playing malvolio messes up one of his lines and says something about butter sauce instead of lovely clouds (it makes more sense in german, you know). we all cracked up, and I am so glad it has been filmed for us to enjoy eternally! I wish I didn't have to commute for the ibsen right now, but who am I to complain. life is good. even if another blog refers to you as the wigman. I am a serious actor. like, really.

never again

2008-06-26T00:33:00.003+02:00

I like actors. they do demand a lot of attention, but it's only fair. they are used to getting it. they make their living getting it. and some even do deserve that lot of attention, because they are pretty or witty. both at the same time not so often. but watching the semi-finals with a bunch of them? painful. one brought his dog. I do not understand why man keeps this kind of animal close in the first place, but that little beast was nasty. then there were two girls in front of me, chatting about how to get red wine stains out of a rug. for 20 minutes. during the game. this other guy knew nothing about soccer and felt the need to parade that in front of the whole gang. and when the tv went blank because the austrians screwed up the electricity, another started enacting the commentator's words. cheered on by the stain girls. I was about to go hulk, when I realised my lovely swiss colleague, sitting next to me, ignoring the others, watching engrossed in the match with me. bless her. I am not a soccer geek, but I need my time and respect when watching the game.

actors. as a group, we manage to suck big time sometimes.

grateful on monday

2008-06-02T14:32:00.003+02:00

it is done. my debut as a director took place on saturday night nine sharp, and it went well. the play was well received, the audience gave rave ovations, the following party was nice. now I am quite exhausted and sentimental, as the time past somehow seems underappreciated in retrospect. I have such a great cast, and I am extremely proud of them and the show we put together. I worked really hard, and I will miss having this special place to go. but also, I am so relieved it is done, as I have my life back now. not that there is much left at this point, but it will all be okay. it always is.

once again, you cannot beat the feeling of having manufactured something that, in the end, has exceeded your wildest expectations. we have come farther with it than we all had dared to dream, and I am glad I have taken on this challenge.

1. Mai

2008-05-01T19:14:00.002+02:00

for the first time in a very long tradition, I am unable to be with my brother on the first of may. we usually go to kreuzberg and have lots of beer all day long. this year, I am stuck in between rehearsals and cannot make it. I do try to make up for it by drinking on my own and will later keep drinking with local friends, but it's not the same. if I was in berlin now, I would be strolling around the mariannenplatz with a cold beer, listen to the numerous bands and performances, hit miss bliss over the head with some falafel for calling me an idiot (again, and still), buy home made köfte from a turkish family, get some nuts from this great store on oranienstraße, and finally go home to my brother's place and talk and drink until very late. it does awaken many memories, good and bad, but mostly good. and I like thinking of the times past and the people I was with. no regrets. I don't know why I should have any. it's good.

fun fact of the day

2008-04-30T09:30:00.002+02:00

my new stage outfit looks like elton john overindulged in glitter for breakfast, had some LSD and threw up all over me. a couple times. in technicolour. not to forget the orange fur hat, probably made of genuine muppet skin.

three more days until opening night. not completely convinced yet.

help!

2008-04-25T23:10:00.003+02:00

my first whole day off in two months, and I got lost in time. so much time! I literally didn't know what to do with myself, until I made plans to radically erase parts of my ever so long "to do"- list. so I went shopping, did loads of laundry, wrote a long due letter, took care of my internet contract, bought new contact lenses, called back my brother, dyed my sweater, caught up with friends, researched and downloaded a tv series I used to watch, prepared my damn taxes, took a nap, made muffins, and went for drinks with a friend. now, I am exhausted and happy that tomorrow people will tell me what to do again. this is scary, man!

quickie

2008-04-21T09:33:00.002+02:00

oh no, it's monday morning
when my eyes are at their smallest
my coffee mug my only friend
but the clock racing as my foe

woe is me, I want to go back to bed

the day is long, my throat still sore
I have more errands to run
than bright ideas in my mind
hesse, I know why you chose prose

woe is me, there is not enough coffee in the world

even the sun is up bright and beaming
yet I work in a dusty shack
where no ray of light is ever seen
just plastic props to fake a past life's misery

woe is me, I am going to be late

sunday not in the park with anyone, but still.

2008-04-20T15:09:00.002+02:00

sunday. and for the first time in months I have the day semi-off. we did do a swift 9:30 rehearsal, because we can. it went well, it was fun. luckily, the ever time consuming side project that has me directing is fun, as otherwise I would have to jump off some roof. not in this city, though. third floor wouldn't do the trick, and third floor is as high as it gets here. went to a bar last night, and around midnight the barkeeper asked us if we minded smoking. no, we loved it. it did feel very nineties to have a beer and a cigarette at the same time and inside. getting out of bed was particularly hard this morning, but still, with the right amount of coffee we went and created. good times. now I am home and doing sunday stuff. like baking and procrastinating (skipping dishes and learning long and boring hesse lines...) and having more coffee, whilst catching up on kara thrace's destiny. later tonight I have a date for our so-called "married couple's night" with lovely old friend s. the rules are: dinner, tv, no talking, no sex. awesome.

greatness, thy name is david ford.

2008-04-18T17:05:00.003+02:00

random list of short nonsenses

2008-04-09T00:23:00.006+02:00

this fellow castmember lady with the bluesy voice has very scary old little girls' hands.
at a certain level of sleep deprivation, the sixth coffee will make you nauseous.
when you're out of sparkling, don't mix the rhubarb with red wine. severe headache.
it takes 2 hours to clean my kitchen, 2 minutes to mess it up.
it's very inconvenient to misplace your mobile phone when it is switched to silent.
broccoli pretty much always tastes like broccoli.
singing is easier when you don't give a shit.
my scary neighbour has surprising good taste in music.
had "momo" been written in 2008, the grey guys would be working for facebook.
a household without coffee is not a place worthy being. second place: milk.
bitching about another performer shows your complete lack of experience.
detailed reviews of your work by a stranger in the street are not automatically welcome.
a simple song, scent, or sentence can drown your day in nostalgia without any warning.
sleeping until 10 minutes before your rehearsal makes them worry you are taking drugs.
you wish

good night.

rhubarb bellinis

2008-04-04T00:49:00.010+02:00

10 stalks of rhubarb, sliced

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup water

champagne or prosecco

mix sugar with water. simmer until sugar has dissolved and combine with the rhubarb. bring to a boil, and simmer for at least 8 minutes. blend, let cool and refrigerate.

add three or four teaspoons of the rhubarb compote to a glass and fill with chilled champagne. stir and enjoy. they are great. and you can actually make them with just one arm!

"but dad, you gave her mom's stoo-hoo-hoooo-ckings"

2008-04-03T23:57:00.009+02:00

due to working on three projects at the same time at he moment I suffer from severe lack of sleep. it's worst when we are rehearsing and omit the coffee break, because coffee has become my fuel and life saver these days. when on stage and performing, all weariness usually vanishes and concentration takes over. but last night, during my performance of "death of a salesman", I suddenly felt like I had no energy left at all. I had severely overdosed on caffeine earlier (as usual), and it seemed to have lost all effect. plus, the last couple of weeks had been so exhausting that the long overheard inner alarm bell had gone on strike and left me to it. at about 25 minutes into the show I got so exhausted that I actually thought I might not be able to finish. which, for the character, isn't so bad, you know. the whole show is of course superbly written and really well rehearsed, so if I managed to just cling to what I knew I had to do, I thought, I would be okay. and then the entitre thing became a little surreal, because it just got more and more intense. I was literally putting all I had left into standing up to my stage dad, he reciprocated, and the big family fight scene got so big that everything else completely disappeared. now, I know that this sounds like what acting should be, anyway. but believe me, it is nice to still have a little control and interact safely with your colleagues and props. that night, not so much. I had no idea how the show was going, but during intermission, everyone seemed very pleased with the first half. I did my costume change, went back into make up and tried to relax a little, but it didn't work very well. by that time I didn't think of the final showdown, because I wasn't even sure I would make it that far. and if I did, I would deal with that then. the second half starts with three big scenes without me, so I had some time to pull myself together. the restaurant scene went well, even though I felt like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I did, actually. sometimes, being tired can be beneficial to your performance, as you must focus on the relevant things to save energy you might usually waste on unconcentrated fidgetiness. then came the hotel scene. I had to quite aggressively tell the offstage fireman to sit down and make way (a young pretty blonde was playing the naked woman in the tub and he had a hard time disguising his uptight randiness), and then, on my cue, went out. my dad had cheated. the woman was giggling. I was shocked. so far, all was good. when the woman had left, my dad came over, as he does, to console me and lie to me. and I would fight him off and run across the room to hide from him. and before I knew it, I was flat on my face. wet floor (why?!!), rubber soles. not good. my right arm hurt like hell, I even heard the audience go "ooh", and I saw my colleague looking at me shocked. somehow, and I really have a hard time recalling it, we went on and finished the scene. it involves a lot of heavy crying on my part, and it has never been so effortless. in fact, it was actually nice to channel the pain into the situation, as the audience was of course curious how bad the fall had been and I tried to not let it show. the adrenaline rush took good care of my former weariness, and the final scene kind of exploded. both stage dad and I were furious and kept cutting our cues, just to be first and louder and hurt the other one harder. the last breakdown felt like such a relief, when I realized we had done it and the show was over. and it was a good show, even.

later in my dressig room I discovered that most of the skin in my armpit had been torn to a bloody mess, and today the rest of the arm has taken a lovely blue colour. this means I am off today and can actually catch up on my sleep. and after a couple of lovely rhubarb bellinis I made, this is what I am going to do now. so, good night.

trouble sleeping

2008-04-02T02:26:00.002+02:00

the thing with the occasional afternoon nap is that once you have rested too much, you will find no sleep that night. and so here I am, at half past two in the morning, wide awake and only a couple hours away from having to get up. at which point I will have fallen asleep. dammit. I feel like I know all of youtube's videos (the american idol contestants are so much better than the german ones that it's embarrassing!), I have caught up with the cheesiness that is "make me a supermodel", and I have read several blogs of people I have never met in my life. and it doesn't even feel weird to learn many an intimate detail about their lives, because it's just okay. people always seem to make a big deal out of protecting their privacy, and yes, some things I need not share or know, but in the end it is no harm knowing what tv show I enjoy or how I like my coffee. or even further, more personal details and opinions. I write about my life in my blog, but also in my prose or poems I give people to read. when I laugh and cry on stage, it sure is in a protected environment, yet I give up a certain amount of privacy by having an audience and allowing the critic (and the bold guy I hate!). the subtexts and personal connotations remain my secret, but the outcome is there for everyone to see. and I do enjoy that.

so, I am not worried that someone will read this and blame me for my sleeping in the afternoon. I really think no one cares.

well, maybe that's the real sad story here... ok, and off to bed now!

proof of life

2008-02-08T00:49:00.006+01:00

I haven't written in a very long time, so I guess my three regular readers have long deleted their bookmark to my blog. anyway, here we go.

since too much has happened in the meantime and it is quite late already, I shall make a list of random updates.

- I want to quit my job and freelance. repertory is great and has taught me so much, but after almost six years, I am ready to go. this very thought actually keeps me going right now.

- hesse one has to read at 16, or 50+, I guess. I am well in between and seem to fail to make the connection. thus, rehearsals are weird. it all seems right and smart and highly important, yet enthused I am not. I am learning the double bass for this, though, and it is the most fun. my left arm is killing me, and my fingers are quite sore, but it is the coolest thing ever.

- my landlord went through my stuff in the attic. when I yelled at him, he told me he had just wanted to save some boxes from the rain. and his mother had died and his sister had cancer again. it made me feel like an idiot. which probably served me right.

- playing "the death of a salesman" is an honour. the scenes are such a joy to perform, because they are so beautifully written. the brown stuff representing burnt earth on stage is still dry as shit, but my airways seem to have adapted. though I will never again be content with "but it looks so great" for an explanation when I struggle for breath on stage for any other reason than when the scene makes me.

- I bought some entertainment magazine and it had a dvd with some extracts of german comedy series. none of them were particularly great, and I immediately asked myself why that was. they were dull, taking no risk at all and kept borrowing the most boring cliches. also I thought that in order to appeal to a wider audience, they felt the need to do it on the highest common denominator (I am not sure this metaphor works in english), which was completely pointless. maybe comedy is not for germans. we like it serious. maybe we feel like we should not make fun of others because we have been bad and nazis. I don't know.

I will continue the list later. my alarm will go off in 6 hours, and I will be rehearsing play one in the morning, directing play two in the afternoon, and performing play three at night.

but on the 7th day, god had secretly created coffee. so that's good.

re-posted in view of the occasion

2007-12-08T20:06:00.000+01:00

I wrote this a year ago. the reason why is back. so is my moroseness.

"this time of year again"

crowded with nut munching dumb folk, the city has turned into the hellhole again that is the dreaded pre-christmas period. ugly women and their obese, bespectacled hubbies, equally clad in santa hats (every year!), parade their eternal cluelessness. I want to run amok now (again: every year!). I don't feel jolly. it takes me ages to do my grocery shopping, because a neverending grandmarathon bovinely blocks the streets with sullen glee. there is even a santa robot, singing christmas carols 24/7 in a tone that makes the deaf hurl. damn you, coca cola, for bringing that onto us. sweet, poor baby jesus, little did you know they make you in chocolate now, so that acne blessed girls with braces can bite your head off in between two smokes. you should have a dime for every dvd horror flick box set that is cellophane wrapped in the name of your birthday.

I just want my quiet, be with my family for a couple of days, and that's it.

what I've learnt today

2007-11-29T21:51:00.000+01:00

somehow, adding carrots to a rabbit stew feels like unnecessary mockery.

november thursday

2007-11-29T11:43:00.000+01:00

well, it has been a long time. blogging appears to have lost its touch, it's very yesterday, as it seems. I have decided it is so old and out that it's actually time for a revival and call it retro. so, here we bloody go.

if life really is what happens to you while you are making other plans, boy do I have one. nothing goes as planned lately, and still I am okay. when maybe I shouldn't be. well, ill weeds go apace. my latest travels were abruptly broken, as I had to suddenly fly back and fill in for a sick colleague back home. I had only just got there, when my phone rang and my permit of absence was revoked. I am a modern day bondslave, you know. now I am even poorer than before, because the flight home was of course ridiculously overpriced. I did manage to bring some monmouth beans home with me, so that's good. I am generally trying to concentrate on the positive here. my glass of fig jam they kept at the airport. apparently, jam is semi-liquid, and therefore very dangerous and very terroristy. when I asked the airport lady what would happen to my glass of jam now, she told me they had to throw it away. damn. I tried to make her take it home herself, as it was very nice and organic, but she said she was not allowed to. I couldn't even make silent fun of her for having to rummage through my dirty underwear whilst searching my bag for other forbidden breakfast bombs, as I was flying home early and everything was nice and clean and smelled of spring.

now I am back home and busy making other plans. nothing seems to happen, though. what dos that mean now?

2007-10-20T15:19:00.000+02:00

rapid update

2007-10-19T00:28:00.000+02:00

so much work
too little sleep
wine helps
champagne, too
vitamins are good
carrots are no fun to eat
already broke my new year's resolution
talking doesn't solve everything
routine is a killer
that's lurking around everywhere
happiness is a warm gun
but I was told to talk, not fight
my kids will be allowed to hit back in school
I will teach them that
if 10 assholes leave an empty elevator
10 assholes will have to enter
so that there is no asshole in the elevator.

I am totally sober.

2007-10-19T00:24:00.000+02:00

snapshot

2007-08-25T19:38:00.000+02:00

after battling through part two of the greek tragedy we are due to bring out in three weeks (!), I am black and blue and really tired. revising the past week's efforts was so exhausting today that at one point I was sure I would not make it. every single moment has to be at the very edge of reason, and while playing it will be delightful, I am sure, the rehearsals are quite gruelling. additionally, I am worn out by finishing the run of the shakespeare back in h. and the heavy commute each day. luckily, there is only two more shows, an then I can concentrate on crying to the gods. thing is, I have brought this double load on myself, and so cannot complain to either. neither cares if the other took its toll. on monday, we are starting to revive yet another show, and I just got a phonecall informing me about the next project. could have done with oblivion for another week. I love my job, but I really need to take one step at a time right now, or I'll go mad.

tonight is my first night off in weeks, and I am indulging in sweet nothingness. g'night.

no time

2007-08-18T00:55:00.000+02:00

this blog has been deserted for too long now, I feel. but I am so busy at the moment that even this random little post is going to be responsible for tomorrow's lack of sleep. again. I spend half my day on the train, the other half on stage. could be worse. I could be under the train and knocking on the stage door, trying to get in. I am not complaining. but just today, when I saw the sky through the train window, I thought how lovely it would be to have a day to myself and take a walk in the forest by myself. and I am not even the take-a-walk-kind of guy. again- not complaining. but sooner or later, I am going to need some rest. and now: good night.

mercyforest (rough translation)

2007-07-19T13:36:00.000+02:00

this place is as magic as it was when I was three years old. immediately, I feel safe, relaxed and just -good. I am not alone here though, and in some way responsible for a's wellbeing, too, I guess. obviously, she doesn't see the place the way I see it. that's new. I am in a terrible mood when it comes to compromising, I get surprisingly ungracious and intolerant when disturbed in my inner retrospect. not so nice. I am easier when drunk, I get all lachrymose and my heart opens up and forgives all I cannot stand in sober daylight. now, that's not so healthy now, is it. I always knew what I would surely once become in my life: a drunk, a miserable cynic, or an artist. I chose the latter, but now that I am on holiday, I feel the others are breaking through. as a precaution, I just bought crayons and paper and will start landscapes and lyrics in a bit. and if that doesn't work, there is always pinot in the fridge. yes, I know- romantic this is not.

after the thunderstorm, wednesday

2007-07-18T11:02:00.000+02:00

this perfect home I described earlier is as of today facing severe change: the couple living there just split, so the unhappy separation of spoons is about to begin. ("I will never want your wagonwheel coffee table"!). so I guess nothing is ever as settled as it seems.

holidaywise, life is good. the beers you order here are the equivalent of three beers at home, but people don't seem to mind. we went to all kinds of places and bars and cafés, and saw a fassbinder play last night. I was seriously impressed and will have to watch all of his work now. the show was smart and extremely well directed and played- a seldom pleasure. off to austria today, to a place where the air smells of a time where worries did not exist. amazing how a certain scent can keep a feeling preserved so well for such a long time. we used to run ourselves tired there every summer, coming home at night to a big, loud and hungry dinner table. we did not know of job worries, romantic issues or politics. it hit me hard (well, of course) when I was there on 9/11, watching the second plane crash into the tower on live tv in that very living room. it seemed a strange coincidence that I should be there, my own private secure island of the past, when it happened.

but we are all grown up and expecting the worst now, aren't we. it's merely impossible to make it right, but maybe it's worth trying. I have absolutely no idea.
my coffee is great, though. and that's good, for now.

sundaythoughts

2007-07-15T17:00:00.000+02:00

after an uproar all through the western hemisphere, I have decided to come back and comment on my musings still. holidays. well, I feel like relaxation should come any minute now, I am awaiting it anxiously. in the meantime, I sleep too little and get too much sun. once again I have found how little I need big this and fancy that, just a good cup of coffee and a quiet moment every now and then will do just fine. weird how in two weeks I know I will be crazy busy (and loving it), yet right now I have nothing to do except for enjoying having nothing to do. I am at a friends' house in the south right now, and it is stunningly lovely. my place is merely functional and utterly messy, and here things match! in a good way. I feel very unold and unorganized. yet I always fear being too settled too early, I don't know why. I still believe that everything is possible and just about to happen, and change everything. so why give in to routine? negatively connotated, in my mind... always envied when seen elswhere, though...

I must say I am easily impressed, and often the first to compare to lose. after two weeks in london, I was half way moving there, after three weeks with the musicalcompany, I felt like I should be with them forever. instead, I come home to my mess, missing the stuff I have done until a minute ago and falling for the next best thing. I could start building my own centre of the universe, but I can't yet be bothered... why that is, I do not know.

I cannot say I'm not okay, though. so...

untitled

2007-07-09T17:44:00.000+02:00

now that my anonymity is screwed anyway, I have been neglecting my english blog in favour of gedankentanz2 (next door). sorry to all my foreign readers. well, spencer, that is. I will report back if something too horrendous has happened to report of in german, or if I meet any other "heroes" castmembers.

in the meantime: it's gedankentanz2, meine damen und herren.

sleep, I need some sleep!

2007-06-19T01:43:00.000+02:00

well, it's way too late, and we all had way too much to drink. it was the not so much longed for night of old intendant's goodbye, and drinks were on the house. the dj was crap, and the whole party pretty much sucked, as well, but we managed to have an ok time, still. did some silly dancing, and now I'm home, dreading the alarm set for tomorrow's dress. only 4 more days to go, and on wednesday, I will go down to bavaria to this festival my show has been invited to. great, I am well excited, and since there is only two more days to go when I get back, I am in a better mood than I should be. off to london next week, I can hardly wait. the following season will be all new and exciting, and a handful of people I will not miss so much will be miles and miles away- that's good. I've tried to come to terms with them, but what the heck. the casting I held for the show I will be directing next year went extremely well, and if all goes as planned, I will announce my complete cast next week. exciting, that. for once on the other side of the table. with great power comes great responsibility, as if I hadn't known that already. life is good.

it's official!

2007-06-17T12:00:00.001+02:00

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

well, I sure dance like peter parker...

evening off

2007-06-04T21:31:00.000+02:00

no work tonight, no happy little prozac guy jumping up and down in front of me. phew. the weekend was good. we played minigolf, and I managed to not find that creepy. and I won. which probably helped. despite that, I feel like I am growing up in fast motion, whilst watching myself. no, I am not drinking. lots of grown up stuff keeps happening, and I want to go play in the mud. I would love some chicken soup. but I don't have any chicken. or soup. darn.

oh, what a crap day

2007-05-15T12:12:00.000+02:00

my arm is still sore from the bloody accident, my bank tells me I am spending too much money (as if that was any news for anyone, really, come on, people), my cellphone charger is 300 miles away from me and, apparently, nobody uses the same model in a 300 mile radius. my laptop sits right next to the damn charger, so that I have to go online in this hell of web bar kind of thing that reeks of beer and old smoke at 11 in the morning, and I have to assume that I am indeed one of those sorry sods who spend all day here to game their lives away. the upcoming week is so full already that I am tired just thinking of it, and personally, my life has been more in order, too.

but the blonde coffee house girl saved my day by not charging me for my daily dose of caffeine, and that nearly made me believe in the good again. you know, nick, with the whole "isn't life such a wonder" and all. I know! I want to scream.

friday night

2007-05-03T23:29:00.000+02:00

with my dad rummaging in the kitchen next door (he has colleagues over for lunch tomorrow) and my bones all sore from screwing up the choreography (again), I feel fine. no time to think, just work and travel and work again. the show needs to get much better quickly, but it's manageable and fun. no worries tonight, rehearsals tomorrow. the transfer from the rehearsal space to the big stage will be hard, and doing everything with mikes will hopefully not be too weird- but there will be time to get that sorted out later. my fellow castmates are great. there is not one I don't like. that's good.

and you cannot microwave fish in order to save time. it's simply gross.

so I'm not so special after all

2007-05-03T09:40:00.000+02:00

yesterday I was on the train back home with the guy who plays sylar on "heroes". he didn't even try to cut my head open and steal my brain.

I feel like such a loser.

summer? anyone?

2007-04-17T23:14:00.000+02:00

it's this time of year again. you forget to put the milk back in the refrigerator after your morning coffee, and by the time you get home at night it has turned into one vomity lump. I work in darkened, dusty rooms all day, and the damn director talked all the way through act three during this morning's dress. I cannot, cannot stand his endless anecdotes any more. enough. fullstop. time out. then I came home to an empty apartment (with only the aforementioned ex-milk waiting for me) and figured some solitary super soup might cheer me up. I thoroughly prepared all kinds of healthy, fresh ingredients and rubbed my eye right after chopping up some thai chili peppers. that's good fun, everyone. and apparently, one is not allowed to call the kids kids anymore. pisses them off. yes, they are all big and mature and all. well, except for mature, but who is mature, really. old cheddar cheese? and by the way: home is where my milk goes bad. maybe my milk is trying to tell me something here? wow. that only makes sense to a very, very few people now.

I don't even have time to do any kinds of sports and endorphine my way to at least chemical happiness. dammit. and sitting in make up before the rehearsal this morning, my make up guy told me I had a sunburn. from walking fifteen minutes to work. skin cancer, here I come. my dad has to wear a hemingway wannabe hat when on sunny vacation, and it's not pretty. and then, my brother called: he and his girlfriend and my girlfriend are going to this really cool concert of this really cool band I like tomorrow. apparently, they are living in the way cooler city. well, yes., we all knew that now, didn't we. and no milk for tomorrow's morning coffee. when this is my holy sacred and beloved moment. freshly ground single origin roast, and the day is still all new and yours to ruin. just me and my mug.

and no milk. dammit.

good day, this one

2007-04-13T23:33:00.000+02:00

wow, the new bright eyes album made my day. and I am still swooning over the david ford debut album. simply wonderful. and the sun was shining all day long, and the rehearsal with the kids went really well- good. went to see "300" tonight and found it, hmm, okay. didn't know the spartians fought in their underwear. but if I looked like that naked, I would become a nudist, too. the dialogue was corny, but that's not what we came for, anyways. I always wonder how they can have those perfect hollywood teeth with all the fighting going on, and no proper dental care, but they had their own gollum. that was kind of cool. and xerxes looked fun, too. really sad how he got his cheek cut in the end, since plastic surgery hadn't been invented yet and you could tell he didn't necessarily think what's on the inside is important. and how do those ugly pervert priests climb up on this mountain of theirs, and what do they eat? phew.

my favourite line from conor oberst so far:

"all your friends and sedatives mean well, but make it worse,
every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
better find yourself a place to level out"

yay!

feels like it's bleeding out

2007-04-11T23:15:00.000+02:00

first of all: I love my job. I respect at least 58% of the people I work with here, and I will personally keep the bulding from burning down if I have to and work overtime without further ado. but the atmosphere sucks right now. there will be huge changes next season, new artistic directors and cast and all, and this of course means some people are leaving. I am going to miss some of them, and some not so much. it feels like no one is responsible any more, the old guys aren't here anymore, and the new guys haven't arrived yet. yet we are still here, and there is still work to do and premieres to prepare. it sucks. I did ask for a sabbatical, I didn't get it, and I wish I had. we had a great 4 years, with all kinds of ups and downs, but now there is barely any pulse left. I am glad to be gone in 3 weeks, doing my summer job elsewhere, where the spirit is high still. it's just sad it should be ending like this. people who have often proclaimed how sad it was we weren't better friends have now proven themselves irrelevant. what a waste, really.

as to my feared summer job: it has been a delight getting to know my fellow cast members. they have been very kind and welcoming, and it was very helpful because I have to dance. yes. I didn't know. no one ever told me. the contract says a c t o r. but the choreographer is very patient and gracious, and even though I feel extremely awkward, it is fun. the musical director is great, and I am enjoying myself profoundly. some of my colleagues are extremely experienced, but it is great to learn from them. and, in my field at least, I am no rookie, either. I will start rehearsing with them by the end of next week, and I am absolutely looking forward to it. I will be seeing my parents a lot, since I will be staying in my old appartement above theirs, and that will be difficult. think of the million traps from the past waiting for you. but my favourite coffee shop is on the way to the rehearsal stage, and that makes up for a lot. oh, yes, home. the stories I could tell. good times, bad times, sick times... I just remembered how good it was for all of us whenI finally startet living on my own back then. well. we shall see how that goes.

untitled

2007-03-31T23:07:00.000+02:00

and once again I have come to the point where I thought I could handle things right, thought I had been through them and would know better next time. and yet, every time the long distance thing kicks in again, I get mad for feeling all unprepared. when it's the lousy little things that I miss. and the pressure of making every precious moment when you are actually in the same city so darn precious, because you have to seize those lousy few days you have, - not so helpful. having a bad day on the one day you could arrange for yourselves to be with each other? well, that's horrible. but try and make nice, and it will get worse! now I am by myself again, and I got so bored I made lemon chicken roast. which would be enough for two, but alas, there is just me. not that I could not finish a roast by myself. I did. well. I feel sick now. from my lovely dinner. darn. I am also scared of this summer job I took, because it's something I have never done, and the other castmembers all have. I spent some time today on the rehearsal stage hitting my voice with an iron hammer, forcing it to the required heights. one scene I will have to play as on the verge of death. it sure sounds like it. I am looking forward to it, the last big part I played was scary as hell, too. I had recurring nightmares, and now it's good and great and I am happy to be doing it. feels like a mortgage I have to take in order to achieve something bigger than I can easily imagine right now. well, I shall ponder over this seemingly creepy metaphor for a while.
g'night.

sobriety prolongs a life that ultimately has to end with death

2007-03-21T22:26:00.000+01:00

ah, the perfect night to drink to get drunk: good conversation and crappy music at the bar- but there is an 11:00 o'clock matinee scheduled tomorrow and I did the wise and went home. my throat is still sore, it has been a week now. I wonder if my voice is hibernating? I feel like something spectacular is about to happen, but the stale scent of disappointment is hanging in the air already. don't know why, no big plans for nothing. maybe that's it.

"increase in knowledge is increase in unrest " says an artsy sign at the theatre- and it is true. life should be easy, because it is good. I don't complain. I just seem to suck at it right now, and the fact that I have learned to figure out what I don't want is helping less than I had expected.

a dog is not a chair. but what is a dog? ten million possibilities, and the day to day routine seems to keep me stuck on a path I chose god knows when. all around people seem to either know what they are doing, or they just hide their desperation better.

I wish I could have kept drinking.

saturday

2007-03-12T01:37:00.000+01:00

we went to see corinne bailey rae this weekend. and it turned out to be a great night. the opening guy was quite good, but his whole indie attitude was a tad dull. and the yellow armstrong bracelet? maybe he has a hidden tattoo of a chinese sign saying "love" or "friendship", too! miss rae had kindly asked to keep the evening a non-smoking event, and it was just wonderful. I am actually looking forward to having smoke free coffee houses and restaurants. this probably makes me not very cool, and old and smug, but being an occasional smoker myself, it's a little controversial at least. the concert was good, the best number being a led zeppelin cover. that woman can rock! and one line from one of her songs stuck with me:

"sometimes you win, sometimes you lose"

yes, quite plain and simple, but as I tend to depreciate and therefore miss out on the unostentatious, it struck me as surprisingly easy and true. keeping on trying to make everything work and never fail is what we try to do most of the time. I know I do. and failure is not exactly what we want the people around us to see when they look at us. of course, we do fail. a lot. I know I do. and now the sweet and very talented corinne tells me that's ok. you don't have to win every battle to be ok. well. I believe her.

I know, one might say this sounds a little corny. I agree.

anyway!

random thoughts

2007-03-02T01:32:00.000+01:00

instead of covering the time since my last entry neatly, I will belie all of our intelligence and post some random rubbish that occurred to me these past weeks. I have done serious stuff too, don’t worry.

why do lonely singles on tv always sleep on one side of their king sized beds only? such a waste of space, and unnecessarily depressing.
I miss “studio 60”. it suited my smartass-ness. that’s probably why it was cancelled.
why do I always forget to not buy broccoli? it turns yellow in my fridge after a week and I throw it away.
I must never again forget to eat right befor a 3 hour show. the low blood sugar adds a quality to the performance that scares me.
why is it such work to turn an idea into an object?
my word of the week has to be YIRGACHEFFE. it’s just so cool.
when I have to cry on stage, I find it much easier when my eyes (or the adjacent area, that is) are wet. it works both ways, either the first tear starts the whole thing, or (as in the current case) someone pours water over my head. as soon as my cheeks feel this, the waterworks begin. sense memory, I guess. weird.
I do not eat enough vegetables. (see broccoli)
when I sweat at the gym, I sweat a perfectly shaped heart upon my chest.
the oscars were close to boring this year. the whole “we-are-just-normal-people” attitude is somehow besides the point.
my blog has now officially reached a new mark: completely pointless. I don’t care, though.
I bought a cool asian cookbook today and realized I won’t be able to buy about 70% of the required ingredients in this city.
my vocal coach is brilliant. she just knows how it is done, man.
cutting your own hair is not smart. there is a reason why people learn this. plus, you can never see your own back of your head. which is a good thing if you have just cut a hole in there.
I have never kissed an asian girl.
I went through a “200 things you have to do befor you die” list today. 80% I don’t care about, 20% I have already done. what now? I don’t have a list of my own, I guess. except for: try not to get hit by a bus while probably worrying about being listless.
the flowers I bought today did not quite turn my living room into the hoped for catalogue neatness. they are barely visible behind the mess.
whenever I cook pasta, I make sure that there is no little noodle left behind and stuck to the pot. I keep thinking of the ear in the wind that once saw sunlight befor it was turned into this penne, and I cannot stand the thought of it living its life in vain. same goes for any kind of anything, really. there is probably a diagnosis for that.
when a. told me how the weightwatchers motto was something like “you can start tomorrow”, I knew the concept would never work well for me in the end.
I stumbled upon a young Irish singer/songwriter guy online named eamon brady. I quite liked his music and emailed him. he wrote back. now we’re both happy.
synaesthesia is wonderful. I hid it in elementary school, when I realized the other kids found it weird to compare the colours of the numbers. but today, I recommend everyone to give it a try. for me, thursday is a drinking glass with a whelk shell inside. and brown.
i you haven’t done it before, go on youtube and search “hugh laurie america”. it will make you belive in the good again.
rereading this post, I realize I need to be more active. see ya.

The Genius Of The Crowd

2007-02-23T02:44:00.000+01:00

by charles bukowski

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

blockheads with fat asses everywhere.

2007-02-04T12:54:00.000+01:00

I had a whole post prepared on the people who know nothing and keep talking still, who parade their ignorance and end up getting a slap on the back for it. thus, they believe they are smart and right, and that is one fatal error: it keeps them doing it, nonetheless.

what am I to do? Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?

I want to take them and shake them and yell at them and ...

maybe I am arrogant. composure and kindness are next on my to-do list, but right now I find it too hard.

and tolerance is hazardous and egoistic in that case.

four a.m. and trouble sleeping

2007-01-23T03:55:00.000+01:00

after a false appendix alarm made me realise that I do indeed have physical limits, I had a weekend full of little lessons in general living. cancelling a show sure felt awful, but the plentiful reassuring of the people around me made it ok. I felt like such a loser, my own body depriving me of all power. but when later that day I walked three steps, only to find they exhausted me so much I had to lay down and sleep for one hour, I was glad I had no audience. I feel better today, not perfect, but surprisingly calm and serene. it was okay. my friends and colleagues are amazing, I actually missed them when I was home for the one day.

later, I stayed in bed with a cup of lukewarm, flat coke and watched "studio 60". and once again my faith in mankind has been restored. kudos, mr sorkin, I am bowing my most humble thanks.

and now it's tuesday morning 4 am, and I am listening to corinne bailey rae's "trouble sleeping".

having the very same.

sore bones and a happy soul

2007-01-16T23:47:00.000+01:00

it's done. I survived opening night. and it was fun.

the entire week we spent with dress rehearsals and sort of previews, and it was so physically demanding that I did not have much energy left for worrying. which was a good thing. we got thursday morning off to recreate, and I was glad to be back in the theatre thursday night. when friday came, I was so exhausted that I couldn't but just do it and look forward to it. I got about a billion cards from friends and family and fellow ensemble mates, and it was just amazing. when we actually started the performance, it felt okay. there were some very young students in the audience who were quite noisy, and it became clear through the first acts that they would not keep from commeting (the most sad and shocking: "man, whatever, they, like, didn't even, like, have jeans in the middle ages, duh."). plus, a few very conservative spectators felt the need to share their outrage ("but it's a classic!"), and that sure felt weird. at one point, when I was doing a scene with the baronesse and prepared for the consummation of the marriage she wanted (I took off my shirt and opened my belt, no more), someone shouted "nooo" from the balcony. that confused me, as our production is rather strict and close to the original play, and actually quite far from wannabe modern crap theatre. during intermission I was torn between fear and wrath, and used the latter for the opening monologue in the second half. it worked well, and I completely forgot about the audience later and enjoyed myself immensely. it is so much fun to surf through a well written and well directed evening, and the final ovations were overwhelming. some booed, but had decided to do so even before we had begun: the intendant later told us that he had overheard an elderly couple on the way to their seats. as soon as they had seen the non-classic sets on stage, they knew the whole evening was going to be a desaster. which is fine. I like it. it seems to be surpisingly controversial, the reviews have all been pretty good and accurate, which is wonderful.

oh, yes, and I threw up a little in the 5th act. the props people had given us fizzy water instead of still, and as I had thoroughly poisened my love and myself, I felt like I was going to burst. three bottles I drink. when I bent down in the end to find her dead, some water came out of my mouth and dramatically ran down my chin. gross, I thought at first, but very method, I figured later. you know, dying of poison and all, a little vomit is very realistic. and it was only water. the premiere bash was healthy and cheap for me: due to storage problems, I drank one small beer the whole night only. we will see how the performances go, I am looking forward to playing. and now that I know how some people find it controversial, I am prepared. after all, I know all the damn lines, the lights are all on me, and I can pretty much yell louder than any creep in the audience. this is gonna be fun.

and you know what else is fun? celebrating my first real day off since early november by not setting the alarm and having hours for my morning coffee. knowing it will all start again soon, but not just yet. I dig the ups and downs.

divine.

paradox

2007-01-11T12:47:00.000+01:00

I seem to have a strange problem right now: I want to but cannot procrastinate. I always seem to end up productive.

let me ease you in: big scary opening night is tomorrow, and until today, I never had but one minute to start worrying about that. now the director gave us the day off to relax, recharge, and to generally not go crazy. and naturally, my wicked brain wants to use the extra time to raise all kinds of questions, and I know from experience than no good can ever come from that. so, I figured I'd procrastinate. do whatever, just keep myself busy so my mind will have a chance to stay sane. and here is the thing: when having to procrastinate, I cannot do it. I tried hard. watched old "house" episodes, had coffee, played that little computergame where the little people start screaming if you don't provide enough whatever, wrote emails, and surfed youtube. all at the same time. and it doesn't fucking work. even now, as I am writing this as my last desperate attempt to keep myself from going coo-coo, I cannot help but notice THE FEAR slowly creeping up my spine. why now? why at all? and you know, it's not like I could FACE my fear. it's on my fucking spine.

yeah, yeah, I know, when the thing you fear the most is the thing you love the most... how great... how amazing... how enviable... how good and right and to be happy about...

how fucking scary.

oh, yes, happy new year and such.

2007-01-03T23:41:00.000+01:00

still busy as hell and scared as even heller, I know I have been negligent of keeping my blog posted. when there is so much I meant to write about. I was planning a jolly song about being a drama critic, the vivid description of christmas at home after the third bottle of wine, and my new year's resolution: I want to be nicer to people who are stupid assholes but don't know better, because they are just fucking hypocrites who... well, I realise it is the 4th of January already, so my resolution is keeping me from going on about that. I want to be nicer. to people.

that's hard.

but the drama critic song I will write, nonetheless. they are not really people, you know.

ps: I agree with yeats

2006-12-14T19:15:00.000+01:00

the fascination of what's difficult
is drying the fucking sap out of my veins, and rent
spontaneous joy and natural content
out of my heart.
(...)
my curse on plays
that have to be set up in fifty ways,
on the day's war with every knave and dolt,
theatre business, management of men.
I swear before the dawn comes round again
I'll find the stable and pull out the bolt.

oh man, really.

coffeetime!

2006-12-14T18:46:00.000+01:00

why do you always want what you don't have? and once you get it, you want something else?

swamped with work, I slept through the entire afternoon, all my laundry and dishes undone. I was so hungry when I got home that I ate the pasta only half done right out of the pot. now I feel sick and try to use that as an excuse to not go to the gym. the movie I tried to watch was so predictable that I fell asleep after ten minutes, woke up to the last scene and got the whole plot anyway. damn 3 bucks I wasted. my ipod played weird stuff, and alanis morissette quite convincingly sang about "the only kind of love that there really is". but why doesn't it seem to work in real life? when it should?

yes, I am procrastinating big time. the big fat scary scene needs to be learnt, and I am still sick from that pasta al concrete. I might go to the gym instead...

and I am not unhappy! I wanted it this way. maybe just a little fitterhappier. I need air.

this time of year again

2006-12-09T17:35:00.000+01:00

I just want my quiet, be with my family for a couple of days, and that's it.

old questions, new affirmations

2006-12-03T17:33:00.000+01:00

having recently been freed of the illusion that wisdom or serenity are in proprotion to age (woo hoo, the world is full of bastards), I feel better. in my profession, bitchery and diffident disdain are common accompaniments, but when you finally decide to open up to someone you believed was great, and they prove to be the human equivalent to this morning's power dump- well, it crashed me. my bad, I guess, I should have known better.

what makes art good?

someone saying it is good?

what makes your vote count?

age?

famous name?

sheer arrogance?

money?

fuckability?

I am so mad. if you want to upset me good, act like you can figure me out within one minute and judge me.

well. in german, disappointment is ENT-TÄUSCHUNG. which actually means DE-DELUSION. good thing, eventually, that.

what am I learning from this? (because I still try hard to find something valuable in wasting my momentarily very, very precious time to some very, very old man's deranged illusion of grandeur)-

don't look for approval. just don't. do your work. do it well. and that's it.

this is going to be so much fun!

2006-11-22T00:01:00.000+01:00

acting is strange. quite impossible to evaluate. it's all about taste. 10 different people will have 20 different opinions about your performance. and most of them will tell you. mostly unasked. as of today, screw you, I won't even politely nod and pretend to care. I'll just do it my way. with confidence.

g'night.

friday afternoon

2006-11-17T13:51:00.000+01:00

that bloody cold has not surrendered yet, even though I tried pretty much everything. chicken soup, gallons of tea, vitamin c, fruit, aspirin and rest. nothing more I can do now but wait. crap. I have to work tonight, and I don't feel particularly comedic right now. plus, I cut my forehead last night, when I tried to play cool with a new butterfly knife the props people gave me for the fourth act. actually, not so cool. need to practise that. the cake I baked for a's birthday broke in two pieces, and I had to melt a lot of chocolate to cover up the cracks. next year, I'll hunt her a mammoth and paint her cave, man.

lovely life-lies

2006-11-09T23:44:00.000+01:00

well. I just turned another year older, and find myself none the wiser. let's take a look at the top five of my inner bullshit:

5 killer abs and hollywood-veneers will make everyting in life easier
4 one day I will have both
3 assholes will be punished by karma one day
2 I on the other hand will be rewarded for being the smartass I am
1 one day the universe will make sense

cannot seem to rid myself of those yet, probably never.
oh, crap.

today's realization

2006-11-08T00:40:00.000+01:00

"bring on the admiral" they cried
"for he will tell us what to do"
the old man though had early died
and lost was since the only clue

a coward was he, I believe
a craven, crafty liar
the clue could never be retrieved
entombed beneath the briar

truth was revealed when flowers bloomed
upon the thorned thicket
all ignorant and idly doomed
to prove the vast and wicked:

no clue the admiral had had
not now, not then, not ever
he knew the universe was mad
and dared to tell us never.

this sucks

2006-10-27T18:33:00.000+02:00

so, finally there are pictures appearing of german soldiers acting like animals in afghanistan, too. and all the big shot politicians react exactly the way you'd expect them to: condemning in disbelief, horridly shocked.

when it is they who sent them.

if you set people on to each other in circumstances we only know from kubrick movies, you might want to consider an outcome according to these very factors. bestial situations tend to make people beasts. I wish it weren't so, and I wish to believe I would be smarter and stronger and better in a situation like this. but who can say that for sure? sitting in the desert for months and fighting people you don't know because someone else has decided they are to be fought, being surrounded by death and decay, being armed and trained to shoot-

as for the politicians- maybe you just really get what you give. so, all the head-shaking comments on the news and in the papers seem a little cheap to me.

this sucks.

I don't remember why...

2006-10-15T01:53:00.000+02:00

it must have been months ago when I had nothing better to do than advertise my humble, random blogism on a site called 25peeps. apparently, it takes a while before one's picture is appearing there, and I had completely forgotten about it. and now I seem to be up against a lot of boobs. drawn ones, photoshopped ones, obvious ones and artsy ones. I do not expext to make it there for long. oh, well.

I know I haven't written too much lately, and nothing witty or interesting in particular, either. so, all you people not going for the boobs (for whatever noble reason): sorry. it's just that a lot of good stuff has actually happened to me lately, and I find it much more comforting to whine about the suck than praise my happy hours. those I celebrate offline, I guess.

I might easily complain about stuff, though (always!):

worst one today: at tonights performance, the gun that is repeatedly pointed at my head was not secured. I saw it in the very first scene and knew that there was nothing much I could do. the suspense was all method tonight! I didn't get shot, though. when I told the props guy, he acted as if it was totally unnecessary to worry about that. I told him that it was indeed totally necessary that he knew that him doing his fucking job was totally necessary, next time I would point that very gun at his sorry head. he understood.

and once more: being high-maintenance pays off. my sally earned me both respect and a secure gun tomorrow. mum, I know you're not reading this, but I am going to teach my kids to hit back. being nice kind of equals being a pushover (by the way, I hope ban ki moon's mum knew better!).

I could go on and on, like, how my otherwise so begrandmaed gym was flooded with underage muscle studs today (who needs to see those, really!), how I still cannot bear people talking during a movie, how the movie was kinda dull (yeah, they all wore prada, but it was not all that diabolic, really), how I tried in vain to pull the damn threads from my gums myself but the scissors were old and rusty,

but instead I am happy and will try and figure out the recipe for this quiche anne and I had in paris. she is coming tomorrow, and I shall not be posting sweet nothings for a while, and therefore be kicked off the 25peeps, and you can all go for 25boobs again.

night.

fucking software I bought

2006-10-09T00:10:00.000+02:00

the new norton anti virus crap drives me crazy. it cost me 60 bucks and slowed my notebook way down. I used to have the 2005 version, and it was ok. now, it has a new task bar (in an UGLY design) that seems to be unremovable. I hate the fact that I am unable to run this the way I want, but the program acts as if it is smarter than me and needs to decide what's good for me. fuck it, I will not surrender to that kind of crap.

any suggestions, anyone?

friday, noon

2006-10-06T13:14:00.000+02:00

oy, the lady from downstairs will not be pleased. we feng-shuied two thirds of my appartement, and obviously, I had been attached to too many things from my past! now the garbage is crammed full of lumber, and she will have difficulties disposing of her cabbage and coupons. but my place looks lovely, actually.

apart from that, I seem to be nervous for no reason. again. got a whole schedule of duties for the next couple of days, and none of them beyond my powers. oh, I pity the ones who don't know beppo, the roadsweeper. in moments like these, he's the guy to cling to. long road: one step, one sweep, one step... wise old man, that.

healing travel

2006-10-02T12:43:00.000+02:00

everything seems much lighter once you enjoy some change of perspective. today, berlin is my most powerful antidepressant. I saw some breathtaking theatre, and I am glad to see the flame inside is burning still. strolling down the streets, with golden autumn light ridiculing my misanthropy, recreation has begun. so many people I met, some of them famous, and me being quite starstruck again, unable to complete any sensible sentence. how nice they were, though! some of them weird, like this old american couple who could easily have sprung from jonathan franzen's mind. and all of them fast and anonymous and minding their very own business, which I love the most at the moment.

and coffee tastes good again, much to my relief. life is good.

this city is getting smaller by the minute

2006-09-28T00:12:00.000+02:00

weird, that feeling. my life is great, actually, and yet, I am slightly unsatisfied. the foul taste of security is creeping up my throat, and I don't like it. I have come to a point where thinking of going for coffee at my coffeehouse is enough, actually going there and having the cup would annoy me. it would be unbearably habitual, and I end up feeling trapped in a movie I have enjoyed, but seen one time too often. I move slowly these days, I have left my bike at home to spend more time walking, not thinking. I am more than ready for new challenges, and I am not sure that I can find them here. the thought of leaving here is rising inside of me, still all scary and huge and threatening, but I cannot ignore it. some change will have to be made. it migth be one small change of thought in my head, or one big step into the unknown. finally. oh, that sounds tempting. I am scared.

at last.

money down the drain

2006-09-26T10:12:00.000+02:00

wow. I got so desperate last night that I spent 25 bucks on the lottery. they have this big 21 million jackpot on wednesday. and I thought: well, life's gonna be a lot easier with that kind of money. I know. should have listened to jeff buckley. he is right:

"how many times have you heard someone say
if I had money, I would do things my way
but little they know that it's so hard to find
one rich man in ten with a satisfied mind."

it's hard to be poor and courageous and to do the right thing.

dilemma

2006-09-24T19:49:00.000+02:00

this new feng shui book I got tells me to throw out everything I don't need. the book itself would be the first thing to go...

so many things unclear

2006-09-23T15:18:00.000+02:00

whatever will be, will be.

well, well. just what is it going to be? it is time to send out applications again, and I am not quite sure what I am going to go for. there is many options, and as promising as they might sound, each one will exclude all the others. "listen to your heart", my courageous me says, but "think about security", my scared me says. "haha, fuck security"/"haha, fuck you"... (inner dialogue).

there is no such thing as security. it is one mighty delusion. this will be my affirmation for the weekend, and I am ready to jump off. my old life? a cliff? was it all that bad? oh, no, but... (inner dialogue).

what ever will be, will be. I just want some influence. my one superordinated goal is not quite clear to me, and with one of those in mind it is always easier to battle your way through the jungle.

well, going to yoga class now. maybe that'll help.

crack of the day

2006-09-18T20:03:00.000+02:00

whenever I see their subtle rudeness, I am relieved to know there is some good left in the world. it soothes me.

what is up with the universe?

2006-09-06T18:21:00.000+02:00

am I to bite the hand that feeds
as I am sick of scooby snacks?
two bites may be two artful deeds
for that old hand all tenor lacks.

the critics cry: oh, heaven's light
has shone on what we've seen tonight!
(and critic's word is always right,
it's written there, in black and white.)

of course, I may well disagree
my will is mine, my will is free
but all alone, at desert's void
my will's free, and I'm unemployed.

I hug those I don't want to hug
don't bug the ones I want to bug
I think: I'm wrong, I might be wacky!
(but really I just found it tacky!)

and so I end up pondering
and later truly wondering:
is that how this is going to be?
how do you spell integrity?

my questions of the day

2006-09-04T00:43:00.000+02:00

where does willingness to compromise end, and self abandonement begin?
at what point exactly does one lose one's artistic integrity?

global urban problems

2006-09-02T00:48:00.000+02:00

I miss a. she moved to latté-city, and is shooting down south right now. and that's good, just far away from where I am making my living at the moment. and on the long run, this is not going to change, really. I want the two of us to be happy and employed and earning some cash, but at the same time I want to have breakfast with her in my bed and at night complain about the crummies. and make pumpkin soup for her, and use her fancy shower gel (actually, that I can do: she left it here, and it smells really manly!). I am terrible at outlining my day within a ten minute phonecall, but that's our time window sometimes. don't get me wrong, if she decided to come here and move in with me now, I'd freak out. for a while. maybe I will freak her out by suggesting something like that myself someday (yeah, not that soon). you know. there is this gap between understanding the artistic and financial necessities, and wanting to just be with the one you're with. if I move to London next year, I'll make her come along. just that she doesn't have that dream. and her career is here. it's never going to be easy, at all. it's all about compromise, really. that's no news for no one, I know. I knew that, too. but once more I am learning that knowing something beforehand doesn't keep you from having to experience the whole package yourself. and that applies to pretty much everything. no, it applies to everything. all the time.

just a little song I happened to come up with tonight

2006-08-29T21:42:00.000+02:00

some women
are bitches
and still
they want your love

and when they notice
you couldn't care less
they just go bitchy
a little more

some women
are scared of everything
and still
they want your love

and when they notice
that they disgust you
they try to be funny
and fail

some women
mistake mascara
for magic potion
it doesn't work

and when they notice
how unimpressed you are
they start to cry
and now it really looks bad

some women
oh no, three verses are enough.

good night.

too much information

2006-08-28T22:40:00.000+02:00

your mum telling you about haemorrhoids.
your bank clerk telling you about this play he did in school.
your ex telling you anything, really.
your superior telling you all about your colleagues, unaskedly.
your little sister telling you what pill she is on.
your doctor's sniffy receptionist telling you how hamlet should've really been.
your neighbour telling you about her hip replacement, vividly.
your fat old colleague telling you you're not a revolutionary.

me, blogging? well...

procrastination deluxe

2006-08-28T00:21:00.000+02:00

I have not learned my lines properly. it is quite late. and the big scene is scheduled for tomorrow morning. and what do I do?

I checked my email. 10 times.
I watched tv.
I had dinner. twice.
I redid the layout of the monologue, so it would be easier to learn. four times.
I did not yet print it out. at all.
I read it once. sounded good.
without the book, I didn't even get through the first chapter.
if it wasn't sunday night, I'd go shopping now.
or to the gym. or just out.
for coffee. too late to have coffee now.
maybe I should make some coffee and learn all night.
this post is not very interesting.
yet serving its purpose.
procrastination.
arghh.

I will stop this now.
will take the script and go to bed.
probably.

well ain't that something

2006-08-26T09:33:00.000+02:00

it amazes me. imagine conor oberst sitting in his kitchen chair, writing a song. he is writing from personal experience, trying to capture the exact momentum of some past event. months later, I go to the record store and find him talking directly to me. he must have known. I know. and I am by far not the only one who feels like that.

it excites me so much to open a book and find I have been having the exact same ideas and thoughts. someone else must have found himself in a similar condition to mine, must have had similar doubts and problems. it is weirdly and wonderfully comforting and consoling. and I tell you, it happens with ancient greek, or sturm und drang literature, with schiller, and whitman.

someone once told me that as an artist, one should not only spring from personal experience. but what else is there? maybe it is the artist's privilege to do exactly so, in order to create art that has the power to reach people personally and individually. by that, I don't mean artists must only work with what they empirically know, but maybe start from there.

the last night of the holiday

2006-08-21T19:27:00.000+02:00

still full of my summer, I am sitting in my surprisingly clean kitchen, waiting for the rice to be done. tomorrow I will start work again. and even though tomorrow night I might be fed up with it again, I am looking forward to it now.

when they will bore me, I shall think of wandering the London streets. when they will anger me, I shall remember driving j.'s scooter through hackney nights, drunk. when they will stress me, I shall recall sitting on finnish rocks, fishing.

and there is more. much more.

time to kill on a sunday afternoon...

2006-08-20T13:32:00.000+02:00

london

2006-07-30T22:30:00.000+02:00

never do I want to see another film with the female lead wearing an oversized sweater in front of an oversized fridge, eating a pint of ben&jerry's because her marriage is falling apart.

apart from that, london is the same unbelievable place as always. I am starting work tomorrow, and I am excited. I have rediscovered the will to live over coffee this afternoon, and I have even started writing again. I have successfully pissed of some movie bullies and went for drinks with a stranger. i don't know jack, but I've got some time.

laters.

oh jolly memories

2006-07-12T20:27:00.000+02:00

I was just taking a break from, well, doing nothing, when I suddenly remembered something that cracked me up big time and I had to laugh for a good ten minutes straight: my self drawn superhero comic attempt when I was about eight years old! he was called baki and looked like a slightly retarded obese nerd with a very bad hairdo. I don't exactly remember what his superpower was (did he have one!), but I do recall his giant red jumper, too big for his short, fat arms. oh, jolly.

well, yeah. just thought I'd. share.
that.

sigh.

today

2006-07-11T00:54:00.000+02:00

I am so afraid of death
with the leaves so green
and all paths so unexplored

I want to eat the sun
and dance across all oceans
I want to howl like a thousand wolves
and keep silent like the tallest tree

I want to drink with all the peoples of the world
and wander alone in the mountains forever
I want to be a doctor, a painter, and a race driver,
a rich men's beggar, and a pauper's king

I want to live in each house in every country,
and sleep in trees and cut them down.
to then plant seeds and blind my eyes
so I could see the words of the almighty
and yell at him
"never enough, never enough!"

I want to get a taste of life
before I have to go.

and another season is over

2006-07-08T00:22:00.000+02:00

we ended this one having a barbecue by the river. later, when the empty beer bottles were lined up like faithful little witnesses of the earlier festivity, and the torches were beginning to wear out, we got to talking about what may lie ahead of us. a bright, yet unknown summer is awaiting us, followed by the supposable last season the way we know it. it is exciting and as scary as it gets at the same time. what to predict for that last season? work, worries, anger, doubts and fears; but steadfast idealism and much love in the end.

sorry to those who think they are above that.

my hero

2006-07-06T21:09:00.000+02:00

thank you, jürgen klinsmann. you are a good sport, and it was a hell of a time.

thursday morning, already 34 degrees

2006-07-06T09:41:00.000+02:00

so the director called in sick, and I am on my summer break. now. just when I had managed to cope with another long long hours of heat in my black rehearsal coat, he cancelled the last week, and we shall continue in 5 weeks. it really took me by surprise, as I have to actually plan my summer now. so, still steak-stuffed from last night's barbecue, I adjusted my plans to my time and money capacities, and it's gonna be fine. ready for takeoff- landlord placated, plants all dead, worn out and tired of the city, new summer tunes on my ipod.

and yes, I was taken aback a little when I participated in this people's blogging behaviour study. "is it easy for you to get people to like you?" well, what does that have anything to do with it? I am not writing this for some stranger to fall in love with me, I am rather risking some weird opinion nazis to comment on my pretty private musings. I don't know. too much space in my head, I keep thoroughly thinking about every little incident that ever happens to me. maybe the liking-thing was what irked me most. I am aware that I have done that far too much before, and I am quitting. it's so much nicer. though, I will always engage in long and lost debates with random sect members in the precinct. I just cannot, cannot understand how so many (young!) people prefer to live with blinders and actually get mad at me for socratically weisenheimering them.
oh, that is so much fun.

because, if I can't sleep at night because the world is so full of wonderful weird things, neither shall you.

bloody geriatric dickhead

2006-06-29T13:46:00.000+02:00

oh, exquisite anger.

on my way home from the gym this morning, I was carefully entering the huge roundabout with my bike. and when I was right in the middle of it, this thickly bespectacled senior citizen closed in on me with his bumpy black vehicle. I was having right of way, but he kept driving. now, I have had my share of having right of way and endig up cut up in hospital, so I yelled at him. a little bit. I was wearing my sports jacket, and I was, well, looking young, you know. he, seeing that, started yelling and gesturing, as if I was the antichrist. but I was right, and he was wrong. and if one thing gets me really pissed off, then it's being right and being yelled at still. he raged about those youngsters, and how I was not allowed to drive there. at the next traffic light, angry me stopped beside his car and screamed at him. ever since the accident I do get really scared in traffic, it's been just too fucked up an episode. I tried to explain the traffic regulations to him, but he didn't even listen. in his senile brain, he had decided: young=punk=wrong, old=defiant=right. I was still yelling when I realised there were about 30 people around, watching me screaming at poor bespectacled granpa.

that was when I left.

but granpa does have many brothers and sisters in this city, and some of them are evil minded bastards, I gotta tell you. poking you with their umbrellas when you're using your cellphone, or blocking entire escalators (don't get me started).

they should be the wise ones, not me. but it's me who has to give way to geriatric dickhead. who didn't even look left.

asshole.

whoa!

2006-06-28T14:50:00.000+02:00

not broke for the first time in, what, years. far from rich, but not alarmingly broke, either. this is how it happened: just got my vacation bonus, liquidated my stupid building savings agreement (I am an actor, an artist, a nomad!), and will receive my tax refund shortly. I need to remember this day, this feeling very well. it may not last. or come back. ever.

now, what to do with all these riches?

pay the dentist, pay the bills, pay for my summer in london.
and then: back to broke.

but at least I shall remember the feeling.
see? and with all the sense memory stuff going on, it will warm me through a cold, cold winter's nights in my nomad tent, too.

back home

2006-06-22T00:32:00.000+02:00

after another night on that coach, this time with a class of dilly-dally teenagers (whose benevolent, yet blissfully ignorant teacher asked them by the minute if they needed to pee), I am back home. back to small streets and coffee I can spell, back to business and day to day routine, but with all new ambition and élan. still tired, I went to the gym and fought the innumerable tartes and quiches. I know I keep raving about the food, but it was just so good.

and at tonight's show, much to my discontent, I screwed up the intro to my last number. and then I couldn't stop thinking how stupid it is to still worry about that during the number, as that tends to draw your attention off the attempt to get at least the rest of the number right. and then I started worrying about that. during the number. and then- you get the picture. but what the hell, it's live theatre, and most of the audience didn't even notice. I just wish I could some day learn to let it go. see, I am really back home.

but with my belly full of new impressions, and my really cool paris jumper, and the realization that you can never tell how happy even a very broke ride on a polish coach can actually make you.

what a difference a day makes

2006-06-20T10:21:00.000+02:00

once again, I find it true:
whenever you get the chance to get away from your everyday business, and may it be unreasonably short, and expensive, or even inconvenient- do it. you get so much more in return than you could ever imagine.

so much to see. passing by countless cafés and bars, I felt like a sponge, taking in all the faces and scents and sights. the little chinese girl behind her counter of take out cantonese food, the very elegant older madâme on the metro, the group of young actors outside some small theatre, with their sincere postures, clothed in neatly purposed sloppiness, their gitane in a corner of their mouths. I walked all the way from sacre coeur to the opera garnier and rested on the stairs. taking my own route through all the little streets, lesser populated and touristy than the big boulevards, I found a small indian store full of spices and jars and exciting scents, and bought a little bag of roses cristalisées for anne. later, I finally got to read my thoreau book, having another cafe créme at another bar. I haven't yet decided if I find that cheesy or awesome.

later, when anne was done shooting, we went to a french restaurant a friend had recommended. there was a sign on the door:
"real french cooking, no vegetarian food."
we felt we had found the perfect place, hidden from the big streets, offering genuine french cuisine. naturally, our mere presence destroyed the exquisit non-touristy atmosphere, but that is the burden the travelling have to shoulder whenever they set foot outside their own home.
the food was superb. I tried my very first foie gras, and gras it was- my tastebuds died in shock, I guess, it was so good. a bottle of bordeaux later (for the constant readers: it definitely was a bottle of the good kind), we walked up to sacre coeur again and enjoyed the view over paris.

and right now, we are having breakfast in bed, and yet again I shall have to decide between romantic and cheesy.

it's too beautiful, though.

paris

2006-06-19T17:27:00.000+02:00

thanks to yoga I did not die on the bus last night. it was not the "comfortable sleepliner" the prospectus had promised, it was a polish coach with seats that usually make your back hurt just going downtown. but what is that compared to this city. to admit the most touristy thing right in the beginning: we had cafe créme at the brasserie des 2 moulins, where they shot that amelie movie. I would never have gone there on purpose, it is just next to the hotel. really. now, I have been to paris before, I have seen the sights, I don't need to do that again. that's why I chucked my map in the bin and just went outside. anne is shooting right now, and I have had quite my share of tartes and quiches and fromage and wine, and it is just great.

guess I'll walk up to sacre coeur and buy my beloved tobacco.

savoir vivre.

au revoir

2006-06-18T10:27:00.000+02:00

well, the last week has been quite rough, and I am tired of chopping up my day into ten minute units to just attempt to cope. no sleep, no time for nothing. and every day held another big crazy thing for me, and no way to escape. except for calling in sick, but I better not start that in the first place.

but the week is over, I got everything done alright. just last night I realized I need to get away from all of this rather quickly, as a friend asked me if I wanted to have a barbecue with him and some colleagues, and I almost hit him. I really don't want to have that barbecue. time out, please.

that is why I took the last tiny remainder of my money and bought a ticket to paris. I know that's wonderfully irrational, paris is big and loud and humid, I should have gone to the woods to live deliberately.

but ever since I came back from Inge's funeral, I feel so angry about the fact that even the best of us end up gone. and no one knows when. and so many things remain left undone.

well, and now I can take running off to paris with unreasonably little money off my list.

Vous voir le mercredi prochain, amis. au revoir.

blogvertising

2006-06-17T13:51:00.000+02:00

http://www.25peeps.com/r/1199

try this.
if more people refer to my blog, more people will read it.

actually, this is a classic catch 22.

why, oh, why

2006-06-14T00:47:00.000+02:00

you are walking. quietly, all by yourself, downtown. it is late, you have done your day's share of good work, and you are tired. just then, you happen to walk by this restaurant, and there they sit. three or four people you kind of know, and you really really really do not want to talk to them right now. or tomorrow. or next month. but least right now. and you are pretty sure they'd be fine with you not wanting to talk, they look like they are having an ok time just so. hey, they've seen you. now, what you should do is politely say "hey" and keep on walking. but you feel this might be rude, and they might, don't know, like you less?

"hey, 's'that beer you're havin' there? nice."

now you have done it. you all know no good is going to come from this, and the conversation is doomed in the first place.

"yeah, beer, what are you up to?"
"nothing much, just finished work. so much to get done today."
"tell us about it."
"yeah. bummer."
"right."

as you knew before, you had absolutely nothing to share with these people, not now, and probably not ever. and they knew that, too. but now you're standing there. awkward silence, and you're too tired to come up with anything funny. and you don't really care. just the silence is damn awkward.

"yeah, the beer any good?
"sure, nice'n cold."
"the only thing to keep you sane with this weather, right?

great, now you are on the weather.

"alrighty then, gotta run"
"yeah, great, right."
"I will, like, see you guys around!"
"take care."

and take care you should. don't stop. you will be much cooler just passing by, uttering that quick hey and not looking back. it's not worth it.

I'm telling you, I have not passed by a million times.

I'm not cool sometimes.

notification

2006-06-13T11:42:00.000+02:00

no time to blog, real life kicked in.
so much to get through with.
laters.

für inge

2006-06-10T01:05:00.000+02:00

No coward soul is mine

No coward soul is mine
No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere
I see Heaven's glories shine
And Faith shines equal arming me from Fear

0 God within my breast
Almighty ever-present Deity
Life, that in me hast rest
As I Undying Life, have power in Thee!

Vain are the thousand creeds
That move men's hearts, unutterably vain,
Worthless as withered weeds
Or idlest froth amid the boundless main

To waken doubt in one
Holding so fast by thy infinity
So surely anchored on
The steadfast rock of Immortality

With wide-embracing love
Thy spirit animates eternal years
Pervades and broods above,
Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates and rears

Though Earth and moon were gone
And suns and universes ceased to be
And thou wert left alone
Every Existence would exist in thee

There is not room for Death
Nor atom that his might could render void
Thou - thou art Being and Breath
And what thou art may never be destroyed.

Emily Brontë (January 2nd, 1846)

today's conclusion

2006-06-07T14:36:00.000+02:00

I' ve decided I need to do more sports.

dammit.

smooth

2006-06-03T20:10:00.000+02:00

phoenix make my summer. yay.

watch out: rotary audience. valium?

2006-06-03T15:23:00.000+02:00

last night, we had to play for a group of snotty rich assholes. and as the audience is so close to us in this production, we could hear every single word they said. and they commented all the time. rude. not funny. fucking personal. like a bunch of yobs on a class trip. I was so distracted that I couldn't even decide what made me angrier: the fact that they showed absolutely no respect for what we were trying to do, or the fact that I let them get to me. I tell you, something like this makes you so feel cheap. it sucks. we all reacted quite strongly to them, so a lot of frail scenery doors were slammed, and the angry scenes worked effortlessly. the whole time I couldn't help but think: "what the hell, I know the play, I am not doing this for myself. and if you don't care one tiny little bit, why did you come and buy the whole show, anyway? just to show us you could? fucking bullies!".

and in the end, they presented us with flowers, telling us how amazingly wonderful they had found the evening. how would they know? they hadn't even listened. none of us wanted the bloody bouquets, but still, we smiled politely and accepted gratefully. I gave mine to the set decorator later.

she is nice.

w e e k e n d

2006-06-03T14:54:00.000+02:00

it is done.

the opening went fine, people were delighted, review's good (not that it mattered, but yeah), and the weekend has come. I am so tired, but overjoyed to have some time to hang and de-mess my kitchen. in retrospect, it seems the fun parts are absolutely outweighing the work and doubt parts, and that's good. and I am just realizing how much I am in need for a break. and once my kitchen is nice and shiny again, I will take my time and prepare a meal for the first time in weeks. joyful, joyful.

my sad little dose of adrenaline today

2006-05-30T00:09:00.000+02:00

this morning, I went to the nasty department store I wrote about earlier. the one with the escalators, you know. and when I had decided to rather have the cartridges for my printer refilled instead of buying new ones, I left with only the bottle of shampoo I had purchased before. on my way out, this thing on the exit started beeping, but then again, they do that sometimes, and I haven't shoplifted since I was nine (a brazil nut). I checked again, no beep this time, and I was about to leave the store. two seconds later, the security agent came up to me and asked me to show him the contents of my bag. now you have to know, I am no brave person sometimes. I immediately searched my brain for something I might have done wrong, but didn't find anything. plus, if anyone had smuggled anything into my bag there would be none of my fingerprints on there, now, would there. for a second I thought, hey wait a minute, don't you know who I am?, but really, most people don't, and he was one of them. so I let him ransack my bag. and he found lozenges, used hankies, some aspirin, and eye make up remover (it is absolutely essential in my job, it just is. you other blokes don't know). funny look from him. I didn't bother try to tell him why. unfortunately, I had taken my old socks out of the bag just about an hour ago.

well, of course, he found nothing (I wouldn't keep my prey in my bloody shoulder bag, anyway!), and he apologized.

I thought of how he would forever fail to compensate for the shame he had put upon me, but he was already gone.

I hate that store.