paradox

I seem to have a strange problem right now: I want to but cannot procrastinate. I always seem to end up productive.

let me ease you in: big scary opening night is tomorrow, and until today, I never had but one minute to start worrying about that. now the director gave us the day off to relax, recharge, and to generally not go crazy. and naturally, my wicked brain wants to use the extra time to raise all kinds of questions, and I know from experience than no good can ever come from that. so, I figured I'd procrastinate. do whatever, just keep myself busy so my mind will have a chance to stay sane. and here is the thing: when having to procrastinate, I cannot do it. I tried hard. watched old "house" episodes, had coffee, played that little computergame where the little people start screaming if you don't provide enough whatever, wrote emails, and surfed youtube. all at the same time. and it doesn't fucking work. even now, as I am writing this as my last desperate attempt to keep myself from going coo-coo, I cannot help but notice THE FEAR slowly creeping up my spine. why now? why at all? and you know, it's not like I could FACE my fear. it's on my fucking spine.

yeah, yeah, I know, when the thing you fear the most is the thing you love the most... how great... how amazing... how enviable... how good and right and to be happy about...

how fucking scary.