"but dad, you gave her mom's stoo-hoo-hoooo-ckings"

due to working on three projects at the same time at he moment I suffer from severe lack of sleep. it's worst when we are rehearsing and omit the coffee break, because coffee has become my fuel and life saver these days. when on stage and performing, all weariness usually vanishes and concentration takes over. but last night, during my performance of "death of a salesman", I suddenly felt like I had no energy left at all. I had severely overdosed on caffeine earlier (as usual), and it seemed to have lost all effect. plus, the last couple of weeks had been so exhausting that the long overheard inner alarm bell had gone on strike and left me to it. at about 25 minutes into the show I got so exhausted that I actually thought I might not be able to finish. which, for the character, isn't so bad, you know. the whole show is of course superbly written and really well rehearsed, so if I managed to just cling to what I knew I had to do, I thought, I would be okay. and then the entitre thing became a little surreal, because it just got more and more intense. I was literally putting all I had left into standing up to my stage dad, he reciprocated, and the big family fight scene got so big that everything else completely disappeared. now, I know that this sounds like what acting should be, anyway. but believe me, it is nice to still have a little control and interact safely with your colleagues and props. that night, not so much. I had no idea how the show was going, but during intermission, everyone seemed very pleased with the first half. I did my costume change, went back into make up and tried to relax a little, but it didn't work very well. by that time I didn't think of the final showdown, because I wasn't even sure I would make it that far. and if I did, I would deal with that then. the second half starts with three big scenes without me, so I had some time to pull myself together. the restaurant scene went well, even though I felt like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I did, actually. sometimes, being tired can be beneficial to your performance, as you must focus on the relevant things to save energy you might usually waste on unconcentrated fidgetiness. then came the hotel scene. I had to quite aggressively tell the offstage fireman to sit down and make way (a young pretty blonde was playing the naked woman in the tub and he had a hard time disguising his uptight randiness), and then, on my cue, went out. my dad had cheated. the woman was giggling. I was shocked. so far, all was good. when the woman had left, my dad came over, as he does, to console me and lie to me. and I would fight him off and run across the room to hide from him. and before I knew it, I was flat on my face. wet floor (why?!!), rubber soles. not good. my right arm hurt like hell, I even heard the audience go "ooh", and I saw my colleague looking at me shocked. somehow, and I really have a hard time recalling it, we went on and finished the scene. it involves a lot of heavy crying on my part, and it has never been so effortless. in fact, it was actually nice to channel the pain into the situation, as the audience was of course curious how bad the fall had been and I tried to not let it show. the adrenaline rush took good care of my former weariness, and the final scene kind of exploded. both stage dad and I were furious and kept cutting our cues, just to be first and louder and hurt the other one harder. the last breakdown felt like such a relief, when I realized we had done it and the show was over. and it was a good show, even.

later in my dressig room I discovered that most of the skin in my armpit had been torn to a bloody mess, and today the rest of the arm has taken a lovely blue colour. this means I am off today and can actually catch up on my sleep. and after a couple of lovely rhubarb bellinis I made, this is what I am going to do now. so, good night.