mercyforest (rough translation)

this place is as magic as it was when I was three years old. immediately, I feel safe, relaxed and just -good. I am not alone here though, and in some way responsible for a's wellbeing, too, I guess. obviously, she doesn't see the place the way I see it. that's new. I am in a terrible mood when it comes to compromising, I get surprisingly ungracious and intolerant when disturbed in my inner retrospect. not so nice. I am easier when drunk, I get all lachrymose and my heart opens up and forgives all I cannot stand in sober daylight. now, that's not so healthy now, is it. I always knew what I would surely once become in my life: a drunk, a miserable cynic, or an artist. I chose the latter, but now that I am on holiday, I feel the others are breaking through. as a precaution, I just bought crayons and paper and will start landscapes and lyrics in a bit. and if that doesn't work, there is always pinot in the fridge. yes, I know- romantic this is not.

after the thunderstorm, wednesday

this perfect home I described earlier is as of today facing severe change: the couple living there just split, so the unhappy separation of spoons is about to begin. ("I will never want your wagonwheel coffee table"!). so I guess nothing is ever as settled as it seems.

holidaywise, life is good. the beers you order here are the equivalent of three beers at home, but people don't seem to mind. we went to all kinds of places and bars and cafés, and saw a fassbinder play last night. I was seriously impressed and will have to watch all of his work now. the show was smart and extremely well directed and played- a seldom pleasure. off to austria today, to a place where the air smells of a time where worries did not exist. amazing how a certain scent can keep a feeling preserved so well for such a long time. we used to run ourselves tired there every summer, coming home at night to a big, loud and hungry dinner table. we did not know of job worries, romantic issues or politics. it hit me hard (well, of course) when I was there on 9/11, watching the second plane crash into the tower on live tv in that very living room. it seemed a strange coincidence that I should be there, my own private secure island of the past, when it happened.

but we are all grown up and expecting the worst now, aren't we. it's merely impossible to make it right, but maybe it's worth trying. I have absolutely no idea.
my coffee is great, though. and that's good, for now.

sundaythoughts

after an uproar all through the western hemisphere, I have decided to come back and comment on my musings still. holidays. well, I feel like relaxation should come any minute now, I am awaiting it anxiously. in the meantime, I sleep too little and get too much sun. once again I have found how little I need big this and fancy that, just a good cup of coffee and a quiet moment every now and then will do just fine. weird how in two weeks I know I will be crazy busy (and loving it), yet right now I have nothing to do except for enjoying having nothing to do. I am at a friends' house in the south right now, and it is stunningly lovely. my place is merely functional and utterly messy, and here things match! in a good way. I feel very unold and unorganized. yet I always fear being too settled too early, I don't know why. I still believe that everything is possible and just about to happen, and change everything. so why give in to routine? negatively connotated, in my mind... always envied when seen elswhere, though...

I must say I am easily impressed, and often the first to compare to lose. after two weeks in london, I was half way moving there, after three weeks with the musicalcompany, I felt like I should be with them forever. instead, I come home to my mess, missing the stuff I have done until a minute ago and falling for the next best thing. I could start building my own centre of the universe, but I can't yet be bothered... why that is, I do not know.

I cannot say I'm not okay, though. so...

untitled

now that my anonymity is screwed anyway, I have been neglecting my english blog in favour of gedankentanz2 (next door). sorry to all my foreign readers. well, spencer, that is. I will report back if something too horrendous has happened to report of in german, or if I meet any other "heroes" castmembers.

in the meantime: it's gedankentanz2, meine damen und herren.