this city is getting smaller by the minute

weird, that feeling. my life is great, actually, and yet, I am slightly unsatisfied. the foul taste of security is creeping up my throat, and I don't like it. I have come to a point where thinking of going for coffee at my coffeehouse is enough, actually going there and having the cup would annoy me. it would be unbearably habitual, and I end up feeling trapped in a movie I have enjoyed, but seen one time too often. I move slowly these days, I have left my bike at home to spend more time walking, not thinking. I am more than ready for new challenges, and I am not sure that I can find them here. the thought of leaving here is rising inside of me, still all scary and huge and threatening, but I cannot ignore it. some change will have to be made. it migth be one small change of thought in my head, or one big step into the unknown. finally. oh, that sounds tempting. I am scared.

at last.

money down the drain

wow. I got so desperate last night that I spent 25 bucks on the lottery. they have this big 21 million jackpot on wednesday. and I thought: well, life's gonna be a lot easier with that kind of money. I know. should have listened to jeff buckley. he is right:

"how many times have you heard someone say
if I had money, I would do things my way
but little they know that it's so hard to find
one rich man in ten with a satisfied mind."

it's hard to be poor and courageous and to do the right thing.

dilemma

this new feng shui book I got tells me to throw out everything I don't need. the book itself would be the first thing to go...

so many things unclear

whatever will be, will be.

well, well. just what is it going to be? it is time to send out applications again, and I am not quite sure what I am going to go for. there is many options, and as promising as they might sound, each one will exclude all the others. "listen to your heart", my courageous me says, but "think about security", my scared me says. "haha, fuck security"/"haha, fuck you"... (inner dialogue).

there is no such thing as security. it is one mighty delusion. this will be my affirmation for the weekend, and I am ready to jump off. my old life? a cliff? was it all that bad? oh, no, but... (inner dialogue).

what ever will be, will be. I just want some influence. my one superordinated goal is not quite clear to me, and with one of those in mind it is always easier to battle your way through the jungle.

well, going to yoga class now. maybe that'll help.

crack of the day

whenever I see their subtle rudeness, I am relieved to know there is some good left in the world. it soothes me.

what is up with the universe?

am I to bite the hand that feeds
as I am sick of scooby snacks?
two bites may be two artful deeds
for that old hand all tenor lacks.

the critics cry: oh, heaven's light
has shone on what we've seen tonight!
(and critic's word is always right,
it's written there, in black and white.)

of course, I may well disagree
my will is mine, my will is free
but all alone, at desert's void
my will's free, and I'm unemployed.

I hug those I don't want to hug
don't bug the ones I want to bug
I think: I'm wrong, I might be wacky!
(but really I just found it tacky!)

and so I end up pondering
and later truly wondering:
is that how this is going to be?
how do you spell integrity?

my questions of the day

where does willingness to compromise end, and self abandonement begin?
at what point exactly does one lose one's artistic integrity?

global urban problems

I miss a. she moved to latté-city, and is shooting down south right now. and that's good, just far away from where I am making my living at the moment. and on the long run, this is not going to change, really. I want the two of us to be happy and employed and earning some cash, but at the same time I want to have breakfast with her in my bed and at night complain about the crummies. and make pumpkin soup for her, and use her fancy shower gel (actually, that I can do: she left it here, and it smells really manly!). I am terrible at outlining my day within a ten minute phonecall, but that's our time window sometimes. don't get me wrong, if she decided to come here and move in with me now, I'd freak out. for a while. maybe I will freak her out by suggesting something like that myself someday (yeah, not that soon). you know. there is this gap between understanding the artistic and financial necessities, and wanting to just be with the one you're with. if I move to London next year, I'll make her come along. just that she doesn't have that dream. and her career is here. it's never going to be easy, at all. it's all about compromise, really. that's no news for no one, I know. I knew that, too. but once more I am learning that knowing something beforehand doesn't keep you from having to experience the whole package yourself. and that applies to pretty much everything. no, it applies to everything. all the time.