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and once again I have come to the point where I thought I could handle things right, thought I had been through them and would know better next time. and yet, every time the long distance thing kicks in again, I get mad for feeling all unprepared. when it's the lousy little things that I miss. and the pressure of making every precious moment when you are actually in the same city so darn precious, because you have to seize those lousy few days you have, - not so helpful. having a bad day on the one day you could arrange for yourselves to be with each other? well, that's horrible. but try and make nice, and it will get worse! now I am by myself again, and I got so bored I made lemon chicken roast. which would be enough for two, but alas, there is just me. not that I could not finish a roast by myself. I did. well. I feel sick now. from my lovely dinner. darn. I am also scared of this summer job I took, because it's something I have never done, and the other castmembers all have. I spent some time today on the rehearsal stage hitting my voice with an iron hammer, forcing it to the required heights. one scene I will have to play as on the verge of death. it sure sounds like it. I am looking forward to it, the last big part I played was scary as hell, too. I had recurring nightmares, and now it's good and great and I am happy to be doing it. feels like a mortgage I have to take in order to achieve something bigger than I can easily imagine right now. well, I shall ponder over this seemingly creepy metaphor for a while.
g'night.

sobriety prolongs a life that ultimately has to end with death

ah, the perfect night to drink to get drunk: good conversation and crappy music at the bar- but there is an 11:00 o'clock matinee scheduled tomorrow and I did the wise and went home. my throat is still sore, it has been a week now. I wonder if my voice is hibernating? I feel like something spectacular is about to happen, but the stale scent of disappointment is hanging in the air already. don't know why, no big plans for nothing. maybe that's it.

"increase in knowledge is increase in unrest " says an artsy sign at the theatre- and it is true. life should be easy, because it is good. I don't complain. I just seem to suck at it right now, and the fact that I have learned to figure out what I don't want is helping less than I had expected.

a dog is not a chair. but what is a dog? ten million possibilities, and the day to day routine seems to keep me stuck on a path I chose god knows when. all around people seem to either know what they are doing, or they just hide their desperation better.

I wish I could have kept drinking.

saturday

we went to see corinne bailey rae this weekend. and it turned out to be a great night. the opening guy was quite good, but his whole indie attitude was a tad dull. and the yellow armstrong bracelet? maybe he has a hidden tattoo of a chinese sign saying "love" or "friendship", too! miss rae had kindly asked to keep the evening a non-smoking event, and it was just wonderful. I am actually looking forward to having smoke free coffee houses and restaurants. this probably makes me not very cool, and old and smug, but being an occasional smoker myself, it's a little controversial at least. the concert was good, the best number being a led zeppelin cover. that woman can rock! and one line from one of her songs stuck with me:

"sometimes you win, sometimes you lose"

yes, quite plain and simple, but as I tend to depreciate and therefore miss out on the unostentatious, it struck me as surprisingly easy and true. keeping on trying to make everything work and never fail is what we try to do most of the time. I know I do. and failure is not exactly what we want the people around us to see when they look at us. of course, we do fail. a lot. I know I do. and now the sweet and very talented corinne tells me that's ok. you don't have to win every battle to be ok. well. I believe her.

I know, one might say this sounds a little corny. I agree.

anyway!

random thoughts

instead of covering the time since my last entry neatly, I will belie all of our intelligence and post some random rubbish that occurred to me these past weeks. I have done serious stuff too, don’t worry.

• why do lonely singles on tv always sleep on one side of their king sized beds only? such a waste of space, and unnecessarily depressing.
• I miss “studio 60”. it suited my smartass-ness. that’s probably why it was cancelled.
• why do I always forget to not buy broccoli? it turns yellow in my fridge after a week and I throw it away.
• I must never again forget to eat right befor a 3 hour show. the low blood sugar adds a quality to the performance that scares me.
• why is it such work to turn an idea into an object?
• my word of the week has to be YIRGACHEFFE. it’s just so cool.
• when I have to cry on stage, I find it much easier when my eyes (or the adjacent area, that is) are wet. it works both ways, either the first tear starts the whole thing, or (as in the current case) someone pours water over my head. as soon as my cheeks feel this, the waterworks begin. sense memory, I guess. weird.
• I do not eat enough vegetables. (see broccoli)
• when I sweat at the gym, I sweat a perfectly shaped heart upon my chest.
• the oscars were close to boring this year. the whole “we-are-just-normal-people” attitude is somehow besides the point.
• my blog has now officially reached a new mark: completely pointless. I don’t care, though.
• I bought a cool asian cookbook today and realized I won’t be able to buy about 70% of the required ingredients in this city.
• my vocal coach is brilliant. she just knows how it is done, man.
• cutting your own hair is not smart. there is a reason why people learn this. plus, you can never see your own back of your head. which is a good thing if you have just cut a hole in there.
• I have never kissed an asian girl.
• I went through a “200 things you have to do befor you die” list today. 80% I don’t care about, 20% I have already done. what now? I don’t have a list of my own, I guess. except for: try not to get hit by a bus while probably worrying about being listless.
• the flowers I bought today did not quite turn my living room into the hoped for catalogue neatness. they are barely visible behind the mess.
• whenever I cook pasta, I make sure that there is no little noodle left behind and stuck to the pot. I keep thinking of the ear in the wind that once saw sunlight befor it was turned into this penne, and I cannot stand the thought of it living its life in vain. same goes for any kind of anything, really. there is probably a diagnosis for that.
• when a. told me how the weightwatchers motto was something like “you can start tomorrow”, I knew the concept would never work well for me in the end.
• I stumbled upon a young Irish singer/songwriter guy online named eamon brady. I quite liked his music and emailed him. he wrote back. now we’re both happy.
• synaesthesia is wonderful. I hid it in elementary school, when I realized the other kids found it weird to compare the colours of the numbers. but today, I recommend everyone to give it a try. for me, thursday is a drinking glass with a whelk shell inside. and brown.
• i you haven’t done it before, go on youtube and search “hugh laurie america”. it will make you belive in the good again.
• rereading this post, I realize I need to be more active. see ya.